Hayden Panettiere is opening up about her complicated relationship with her family.
The 36-year-old Nashville star got very candid in her new memoir This Is Me: A Reckoning, which is coming out later this month.
In the book, she opens up about everything from the death of her younger brother, postpartum depression, substance abuse, and more.
She spoke with Us Weekly about the complicated dynamic with her mother, Lesley Vogel, who previously served as her manager as well.
“Unfortunately, we don’t have a relationship right now. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t leave the door open for the opportunity to present itself one day,” she shared.
Hayden started modeling at 8 months old and quickly became a child star afterward. She talks about how hard her mom was on her back then and using this book to finally confront her in some ways.
“This is my way of doing it,” she said, acknowledging how “scared” she was of her mom back then and the fear that her honest feelings would not get “any positive reaction.”
The Heroes alum also talks about the sudden death of her younger brother Jansen, who struggled with substance abuse, namely crack and heroin.
Having dealt with substance abuse herself, Hayden tried to help him.
“I got him into treatment. I had a standing appointment with his therapist, [and] I tried to give them as much advice as I could in order to be able to reach my brother mentally and make him want to heal and get better. I tried to do everything in my power, and then he didn’t love treatment the way [I had]. I found so much peace there, whereas he felt like he was caged,” she explained.
Hayden also said, “I was willing to do anything to make sure that he was okay. But you realize that you can’t love somebody out of a situation like that if they’re not ready or willing to heal.”
“I thought, ‘Is this making it worse? How do I not know how to help him?’ And then his death happened. Getting that call, it was like a punch in the gut, and I felt my mind just completely went blank,” she said.
Even years later, it still feels “more and more painful” to accept that he’s gone.
“I never saw myself having to live my life without him,” she said. “It’s something that I wish I could tell people — [that] you feel their presence and time heals your heart. But … it’s still a struggle to combat the feeling of failure and guilt,” Hayden shared.
This Is Me: A Reckoning will be available to buy on May 19. It’s also available for pre-order now and you can grab your copy on Amazon here!
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